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Worst Film Ever Made
This review is a little scattershot, that’s because the pain is still so fresh, it’s hard to form coherent
sentences, it’s hard, not to cry.
Mistakes like Gigli happen because big stars get attached to a project & no matter how disgustingly god awful the final
product is it's hard for a studio to shelve something they've invested their money and their star's time in. What exactly
is this movie's problem then? If the most famous person in your movie is LL Cool J, your movie has a very serious problem.
Who is Chris Klien & why is he in this movie? Wouldn't a stick with a tennis ball stuck on it be more emotive? Nevermind
the "plot" is a convoluted piece of tripe about some naughty execs who try to hike the ratings by nearly killing players,
I can forgive the movie that, after all it's about Rollerball, a fictional sport that makes Sidehacking look legit. The problem
I have with this movie is it's severe case of ADD. I had to keep asking myself what was going on. I didn't really want to
know what was going on but I had to ask. Characters simply refuse to use their previous statements and actions to dictate
how they will act in the next scene.
What is up with the British Indian guy who says everything in British slang & then translates what the slang means
in the very next sentence? First he's evil then he's trying to help then he's like, "tricked you I'm really bad", sorry don't
care!
Why do we have to keep seeing the fat announcer guy, are we supposed to relate to him? "Ooh that's gotta hurt!" Yes, it
does announcer guy, yes it does.
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| Uh, my hat is like a shark's fin |
Why is it the only characters getting hurt are on the same team? Where was the red team when the other teams had their
"Let's be Rollerball Assassins" meeting?
Who are those Japanese guys in towels doing karate we randomly see between scenes?
If every week they injure someone in an exciting new way to blow the ratings through the roof why is it the ratings get
lower every week at the beginning of the match? How do people know exactly when to tune in? Seriously they start out before
the first injury with a rating of 18.something & then 3 injured players later the ratings are only 7.something at the
beginning of matches. So less people are watching now then before, but suddenly it's 89.something when people start kicking
Chris Klien's ass? Wait, I think I would tune in for that too.
I think I've clearly established the case against Rollerball. I think it's clear to all that this is a much worse film
than any film ever made. This movie is an overachiever no doubt, because just when Rollerball takes you to the limit of crap,
it pushes you over with a 15-MINUTE SEQUENCE SHOT ENTIRELY IN NIGHTVISION! No joke, no one is wearing night vision goggles,
but at least 15 minutes of the scene is in grainy blurry green nightvision. The truck chase, the motorcycle chase, the plane
chase with the cartoon sound effects (who knew planes make a BOING noise?), the blurry death of LL Cool J's character, all
in nightvision!?! It looks like I decided to download a bootlegged portion of the movie on to my Apple 2. Was the director
convinced that it looked cool? Or did he believe that it wasn't possible to film at night? It's called buying some damn lights,
look into it. It's one of those scenes where you just stare & then you look around to make sure everyone else is seeing
what you are seeing and then you stare & make soft whimpering sounds, it's that bad.
I will never forgive this movie. It is the worst movie I have ever seen.
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