Well at least Obi-Wan can do his job, he finds out who’s been trying to kill Senator Amidala, but unfortunately we don’t really care cause that plot was like an hour ago. Padme wants to go help Obi-Wan but Ani doesn’t. She uses the exact same button she just used to forward a message to Coursant to bring up a star chart.

PADME: "Look he’s just next door let’s go get him."

ANAKIN: "He’s like a father to me, so I’m going to ignore him for 10 years and then go help him when it’s already too late!"

Cut to a meeting of seemingly random senators discussing the clone army. Jimmy Smits doesn’t seem to approve of the use of a clone army but that’s just what you’d expect from a pussy who’s planet’s got no weapons. Then Darth Palpatine and an alien who is clearly uncomfortable in his headgear openly conspire, which no one seems to notice and Jar Jar instantly falls for.

Back to Geonosis, where Obi-Wan is taunted by Darth Sarumon while imprisoned in a spinning watch display.

Back to Coruscant, in the scene I like to call "Jar Jar Dooms the Repubic". Really if the Republic is so weak that Jar Jar can bring it down it deserves to die.

::sigh:: Back to Geonosis. Hey look it’s the scene that I originally walked out of the theater on. You know the only other movie I have ever walked out on was Face/Off. Ah the droid factory… everything about this scene is the worst thing I have ever seen. When I go to Hell I hope they at least give me the choice between watching this scene for eternity or that scene in Rollerball that’s in nightvision, because I’m picking that scene in Rollerball. You know I didn’t hate C-3PO until this movie, thanks George Lucas.

Oh good another playlet, this one’s called "Things You Only Say When You Think You Are About To Die"

ANAKIN: "Don’t be afraid."

PADME: "I’m not afraid to die. I’ve been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life."

ANAKIN: "What are you talking about?"

PADME: "I love you."

ANAKIN: "You love me? I thought that we had decided not to fall in love…that we would be forced to live a lie…and that it would destroy our lives"

PADME: "Well, yeah but then you had all those whiny hissy fits and you killed all those people. Plus we’re about to die, so why not? I truly… deeply love you… even though you’re a little genocidal."

End Scene

It’s nice to see that the Geonosians favor the same slow, elaborate, easy to escape death traps that Bond villains set. Then the Jedi (and guest) are attacked by CG, which is kind of a good metaphor for the audience’s relationship with this movie. Now I always thought it would be awesome to see a bunch of Jedi kicking ass, but this scene is a mess and C-3PO’s antics make me whither inside. The high point though is definitely Jango’s death at the hands of Mace Windu. It such a hilarious non-event death. It’s also a little funny when Obi-Wan kills the big mantis, he really hates limbs doesn’t he? The way he’s always hacking the limbs off things. Oh but then all the Jedi are going to die… but wait! Look it’s the Yoda Ex Machina!

Then there’s a veritable crapload of CG. Really what can I say, I am completely numb to it at this point. Hey look! It’s plans for the Death Star! Oh how clever! I sure hope they can work out any critical design flaws in the nearly 20 years it takes to build it.

When Dooku is riding around on his space scooter does anyone else hear the Wicked Witch of the West theme in their heads?

You know there are a lot of scenes of Yoda nodding to himself and going "hmm". I bet Qui-Gon’s ghost is just always chatting in his head: "Hey Yoda, Anakin’s in pain." "Hey Yoda, let’s get those clones!" "Hey Yoda, Dooku’s about to kill Obi and Ani!" "Hey Yoda, did you see Kinsey, it’s out on DVD May 17th^!"

I actually like the lightsaber fight between Obi-Wan and Darth Saruman. It’s like a real fight not just rhymic gymnastics with lightsabers which is essentially what Yoda vs. Dooku is. The dual wielding Anakin is awesome though, too bad it lasts literally 6 seconds. Really I know a lot of people love the Yoda/Dooku fight, I’m sorry but it’s totally overrated. Half the fight is just them floating junk at each other. I’m not saying that Yoda isn’t a complete badass, because he is.

Huzzah, begun this Clone War has! Hey isn’t that the Imperial March they’re playing? Ooh! How subtle! Then we head back to Naboo where I think they’re getting married but with the senator’s wardrobe it’s anyone’s guess. Padme looks incredibly sad here. I can’t decide if she’s depressed because she’s betraying her principles for passion while also leading Anakin away from the path of the Jedi and perhaps into the dark side or if she’s just dreading her wedding night with Ani Metalhands. Either way it doesn’t matter cause the movie’s over now.

Well I’d like to close with a few complaints I have yet to make. Why is R2-D2 in this movie? Why is C-3PO in this movie? They’re not people, they’re technology. Even during a war technology advances, often technology advances because of war. Who uses 30 year old droids? Do you really believe you’ll be booting up Windows XP in 30 years? This movie is so retarded! What is with the criminal underuse of Jimmy Smits? He could have saved this movie! Why weren’t there any wookies til Episode 3? AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!11111111

"If you experienced any condition that detracted from the theatrical presentation of this film, please call: 1-800-PHONE-THX"