Episode 2: Attack of the Clones

(aka: Episode 2: Dooku: The Clonus Horror)

I am ashamed to say I still get a little giddy when I see that crawl, no matter what useless information it shows me. So I’m gonna skip the beginning cause it’s not that bad, actually it almost promises a better movie, which is sad. Let’s just start with the Jedi Council meeting in Darth, uh Chancellor Palpatine’s office. Hey you guys! Grand Pooba Chancellor Palapatine is really Darth Sidious! ::wink wink:: ::nudge nudge:: Look how clever Lucas is, he’s right under the Jedi’s noses, isn’t that insidious? Huh? I think the Jedi show an astonishing lack of insight and perhaps proof that the soon to come Jedi apocalypse is really a bit of natural selection. (By the way Jedi apocalypse is now know as Jedigeddon.) So Darth Palpatine suggests they bring in our "heroes" Bitchy Jedi and Horny Jedi to protect Padme from the assassin he’s hired. Because that will probably make it easier to pick them all off as he seduces Anakin to the dark side of the force. The Jedi Council seems to think it’s a good idea, oh look Jar-Jar & Jimmy Smits…

The best part of the soon to ensue love story is the way Natalie Portman chooses to portray Padme’s reactions to Anakin. Watch their first meeting in Episode 2, she’s clearly creeped out from the moment he opens his mouth. Then comes what I like to call the "Everybody verbally castrate Anakin" scene. Then Ani and Obi start bickering like little bitches, professional.

Shortly thereafter is the best scene in the movie where Obi-Wan jumps out a window & grabs onto an assassin droid. I started thinking, "Hey this is getting good." But then Anakin shows up & they start bickering like little bitches again. I think this is supposed to be funny, like how Han & Leia were always bickering. Unfortunately when Ani & Obi do it it’s not funny. Though it could have been a good set up for the two to fall in love. Then blah, blah, blah some stuff happens.

Obi-Wan: "Why do I get the feeling that you’re going to be the death of me?"

And blah, blah, blah… now the two Jedi embark on separate assignments as per the Jedi Council… Wait, are you telling me that the Jedi are so overtaxed with duties that they can’t spare another Jedi to protect Padme that is maybe not as eager to hump her as Anakin obviously is? Hey Padme we’re gonna send you off into seclusion with your stalker who seems to be having some really violent impulse control issues, have fun! Or is it that Master Yoda can sense fear in Ani but not horniness? These Jedi totally suck at being insightful. Oh, oh! And then they send Anakin to go visit with Darth Palpatine. Brilliant!

Sometimes scenes can only be fully expressed through playlet form. I call this playlet "Balance to the Force":

OBI-WAN: "I am concerned for my padawan. He is not ready to be given this assignment on his own yet."

YODA: "Give a crap what you think I do not."

OBI-WAN: "Am I the only one that notices that he’s a whiny psycho?"

MACE: "Remember Obi-Wan, if the prophecy is true… your apprentice is the only one who can bring the Force back into balance."

OBI-WAN: "How do you think he can accomplish that, masters?"

YODA: "Only two of the Sith there are."

MACE: "There are about 10,000 Jedi, perhaps if your padawan slaughtered 9,998 Jedi that would make things about even. But that would never happen."

YODA: "Appreciate the irony we would not."

End Scene

Well now at least we get to see love blossom between our two star crossed lovers (no, not Ani & Obi, Ani & Padme). It’s great to see two characters we know are totally going to hook up tossed together for the sake of plot convenience. So now we get to witness the courtship, or at least we should. Instead Anakin spends the first real time they’ve had alone in ten years bitching about Obi-Wan and how much better he is than him. Then they whisper sweet nothings to each other:

Padme: "Please don’t look at me like that."

Anakin: "Why not?"

Padme: "It makes me feel uncomfortable." (walks away)

Anakin: (crazed pervert leering) Sorry m’lady.

So our teams part and Padme’s handmaiden out acts her. Obi-Wan embarks on his detective tale and while the scene in the diner is cute and like I said Ewan McGregor is a hot, um, I mean accomplished actor he makes it perfectly clear that he is in fact talking to thin air.

Now back to our destined lovers… Now a lot of people say this movie’s weakness is the love story, which is true though it overlooks the real problem. The movie’s weakness is the writing. The writing is so abysmal that I doubt any actor could make much of it. Anakin is a huge part of why this movie blows and I don’t blame Hayden Christensen for this, Anakin is poorly written. Anakin is a total dick and shows the kind of sexual ineptitude you would expect from someone born of a virgin (no offense to Jesus who is an all around great guy).

Anakin: "You haven’t changed a bit. You are exactly as I remember you in my dreams."

End Scene

Then back to the Jedi. I really liked the scene with Yoda and the Younglings. I wish more of this movie had been inspired like this scene. Ok, back to the crap… and the romance.

So Padme emasculates Anakin some more and Anakin has a verbal outburst. Young love! End scene.

I’d like to present this next portion of the review as a playlet called Obi-Wan Kenobi Keystone Detective. This play features Obi-Wan Kenobi, that alien from A.I. which you might recognize as that alien from Close Encounters of the Third Kind (referred to here as Kaminoite) and Jango Fett.

Begin Scene

OBI-WAN: Hi

KAMINOITE: Your clones are ready

OBI-WAN: What clones?

KAMINOITE: The clones you ordered

OBI-WAN: I didn’t order any clones.

KAMINOITE: Sure you did

OBI-WAN: Well, ok then can I see your top secret cloning facility nd could you throw in some pertinent info about dead Jedi, then tell me all about this bounty hunter?

KAMINOITE: You mean Jango Fett? Of course.

OBI-WAN: Hey aren’t you that Bounty Hunter I’m hunting?

JANGO FETT: why no I’m not ::wink wink::

OBI-WAN: Well, I think you are

JANGO FETT: hmm, hey did you know Darth Tyranus? He hired me, did you know that?

OBI-WAN: no

JANGO FETT: now I guess you do, oops

End Scene

Back to the soon-to-be lovers. So Padme parades around dressed like a classy hoochie. Sidebar: So she was a queen, so I understand why in Episode 1 she had a new outfit every new scene and why she had all those identical handmaidens. But now she’s a senator, so what’s with the wardrobe and why does she still have handmaidens willing to die for her? Do all queens get that? So every two years they round up a new group of girls to be human shields for the queen? Are they replaced or does each queen get 8 handmaids for the rest of her life and once she kills those she’s all out? After she’s no longer senator will she still have them or does she have to send them back? Double Sidebar: So… let me get this straight, Naboo is a democracy, with a queen, that only serves two terms during early pubescence. Yeah, you know what Naboo? Maybe if you didn’t elect 14 year olds and tried electing maybe, uh, grown-ups you could have longer terms for your officials. I’m not saying that 14 year olds don’t make great decisions, but I understand now why you were so easily invaded by Chinese fish men.

Anakin: "I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating. And it gets in everywhere. Not like you. You’re everything soft (leering at her boobies) and smooth. (creepy Torgo-like touching)

I remember when I first saw this part I got a gross out chill and thought ‘Dear God, exactly who would that work on?’ Well I got my answer cause Padme starts making out with him at this point. Then she’s all "I shouldn’t have done that." To which he replies, "I’m sorry." And gets a look on his face like he just peed himself.

Then we watch Obi-Wan stroll though some CG. Then back to the senator and her stalker. Seriously is anyone else catching on that Lucas has space-ADD?

So Anakin says that a dictatorship is preferable to a democracy if it’s more efficient and Padme thinks he’s joking but he assures her that he’s not. (Really Padme no red flags here?) Then there’s a weird sequence where Anakin gets trampled by a giant tick and he pretends that he might be dead which of course turns her on (what is with her anyway!?). End Scene.

Then we meet Jango Fett and his adorable clone Boba Fett which is a little disappointing is it not? Well just comfort yourself by remembering their zany and pathetic deaths. It was really obvious to me in this scene that whenever the Kaminoite is speaking the actors are just standing there in silence. They aren’t even looking at her, did Lucas even tell them what was going on in this scene, do they know someone is talking? This movie must have been weird to film for the actors. Back to Naboo and costume change number four for m’lady.