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| left to right: Darth Sidious, Count Dooku, Jango Fett, Lil' Boba, Mace Windu, Yoda |
Next up is one of my favorite scenes in the entire movie because it epitomizes
why Lucas should not write his films, ever.
So Padme is still wearing the same dress from dinner I think, only less of
it. She’s got her cute little boobies pushed up and she’s wearing her headband all wrong. There’s a romantic
fire roaring nearby and Padme & Anakin are sitting facing each other and it’s clear they haven’t said anything
to each other for the last two minutes and then Anakin says… (the following is so godawful that I will transcribe it
with commentary):
Anakin: "From the moment I met you… all those years ago… not
a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you. And now that I’m with you again… (he begins to tear
up a bit here) I’m in agony. The closer I get to you, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with you –
I can’t breathe. I’m haunted by the kiss that you should never have given me. (OMGWTF!?!) My heart is beating…
hoping that that kiss will not become a scar. (… …) You are in my very soul… tormenting me. What can I do?
I will do anything that you ask.
Padme then looks away all confused because, really what can you say to that.
Anakin continues:
Anakin: "If you are suffering as much as I am, please, tell me."
Padme: "I can’t. We can’t. It’s… just not possible."
She then basically tells him no matter what she feels she’s not going
to sleep with him. Which I think is the equivalent of a ‘no’ that means ‘yes’, because she’s
telling him that she really wants him but their jobs will get in the way. That is a completely unconvincing argument, especially
in that outfit.
Anakin: "Believe me I wish that I could just wish away my feelings but I
can’t.
Padme: "I will not give in to this."
Padme says no yet again and Ani says that they could keep their love a secret,
which is a huge red flag that he’s not after a relationship so much as booty.
At this point my PS2 refused to continue playing the film, so I switched
to my XBOX, which seems to have a higher tolerance for crap.
So we return to Kamino, where I am having that dream again of a wet Obi-Wan.
I’d like to point out here that in this scene where holo-Obi is reporting in to "the old folk’s home" (ok, so
some of the jokes are funny) that Samuel L. Jackson is the only actual person in the scene and he’s very convincing
at talking to nothing as though it was something. I really think he’s a great actor and I don’t know why he’s
so often in crap movies, is it that the white man is keeping him down or does he just pick bad scripts? Well I guess no one
turns down Star Wars, even if they stick you with the purple saber. There’s far too little of him in this movie &
when he’s in it he’s mostly talking to CG, compare that to Natalie Portman, who spends most of the movie with
a flesh & blood actor and she has yet to muster one facial expression. Oh well. So the Jedi are all like "We totally suck
at our jobs, let’s hope no one else finds out."
Ah, infamous "Anakin sweats and moans while his hands remain under the covers
scene". I’m just not even going to say anything about that. It was about this time, while Anakin is explaining that
he senses his mother’s suffering and must go to find her that it occurred to me that Padme might be a droid. The monotone,
the lack of discernable expression, actually the droids in this movie are very expressive, oh well it was a theory.
Then back to Kamino for a scene that proves that Jedi robes are not intended
for combat situations, really Obi-Wan is fighting his wardrobe as much as he is fighting Jango. Overall this is a cool fight
scene save for the part where little Boba Fett nearly kills Obi-Wan, whatever movie.
Ok, Tatooine. I am about to flip out on this movie about Tatooine, but first
I’d like to point out that the scene with Watto is good, well not the part with Watto, the part with Anakin, because
he’s very focused and intense and seriously what is up with Padme’s wardrobe, I mean if someone was trying to
kill me I wouldn’t be wandering around Mos Espa dressed as Pricilla Queen of the Desert? Sorry, I was talking about
Anakin wasn’t I? He’s pretty cool in this scene
Then there’s this stupid asteroid chase scene, which exists only to
test THX sound systems. God, why can’t this movie be about Obi-Wan Kenobi? Wouldn’t this movie be so much more
enjoyable if it was?
Ok we are back on Tatooine and I’m about to lose it... There is no reason for us to meet Lars and his girlfriend (!?!) Beru. What are the
fucking odds of this set of coincidences occurring? I mean we all know what’s going to happen; we’ve seen Episode
4. Why in Yoda’s name did Obi-Wan think to hide Luke on Anakin’s home planet (shut up I know he was born on Thessius)
in the home of his step-dad? That is so stupid. That is so stupid it makes no sense! What, are there only 20 people in the
universe? Why do we keep seeing the same 20 people!?! I swear to God if we meet a young Han Solo and his pet wookie in Episode
3 I will paint the walls of the theater in fanboy blood!
The next scene he’s tracking down his mother and it’s a good
scene overall with Anakin all pissed off on his little ill-conceived space scooter looking like the badass in the boy band.
Then we’re back to Geonosis because Lucas has damn space-ADD and god forbid we actually see a set of events play out
in a dramatic fashion when you can just chop the tension all to hell and make it mediocre.
Obi-Wan wanders into what I swear is the Skeksis' palace from The Dark Crystal.
I like to call this scene "Island of misfit CG". The Trade Federation is back, they’re the heavies in this scene, so
I assume word never got out about their blockade being destroyed by a 7 year old and their droid army being defeated by some
Fraggles. Darth Sarumon is there too and I’d tell you all about it but Lucas just jumped back to Tatooine for no reason.
What exactly were those Tuskin Raiders doing to Shmi? Well it couldn’t
have been good. I really felt for Anakin here, I mean I know he kind of abandoned his mother 10 years ago and only now does
he think to look for her, but still I feel for him. Shmi dies really abruptly; she’s totally lucid one moment and then…
dead, oh well. So Anakin goes on a little rampage, and if some assholes killed my mom I’d take some crispy lightsaber
vengeance to them too, but he does get a little carried away.
This next scene I will also treat in playlet form. It’s called "Genocide
Fetish".
(Interior, Luke’s house)
ANAKIN: "Why couldn’t I save her, I’m super powerful I can kick
anything’s ass!
PADME: ::shrugs::
ANAKIN: "It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault! He’s jealous! He’s
holding me back!"
PADME: "Gosh what’s the big deal? You act like your mother just d-
oh, my bad."
ANAKIN: "I—I killed them. I killed them all. They’re dead. Every
single one of them. And not just the men… but the women… and the children too… and their CG pets and then
I burned their papier mache houses then I peed on the fire. They’re like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals!
I hate them!
PADME: "Wow, that’s hot, I made you a sandwich."
End Scene
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